i am wearing a plain white tee-shirt and black jeans. the carnival lights flash and blink, brilliant colors showing as they go. i slowly walk around, taking in the smells and sounds around me. little kids scream and laugh as they lead their hassled parents around. pre-teens, middle-schoolers, act too cool for their own good. teenage guys walk around with their girlfriends, too cool and cocky. the girlfriends either wrap themselves around their boys or are too cool to be seen as clingly. all the singletons settle into groups, laughing and talking to each other. i  am here by myself, allowing myself to be on the outside for once. i don't mind. at least, this way, i don not have to be doing this or that, go on this ride or that.
i hear random shouts and i pick my name from them. i turn and see someone in red coming toward me. i smile. a carnie, whom i had befriended the last time the carnival was here, hussles to me.
"hey," he says. "i haven't seen you in awhile."
"it's been a year," i laugh. "of course it's been awhile."
"i knew that. i was just saying it's been a long time..." he says. i laugh again.
"anyways, how has your year been?" i aske.
"good. long,"he answers. "i am gload to be back with the carnival. but it was nice to be home for awhile. how about you?"
"i've been working and going to school. it has been a long year," i reply.
"are you still working around here?" he asks.
"yeah," i say. "actually, like last year, the carnival brings some extra business because more people are out and about."
"cool" is his reply. "i am glad you have some time to come."
"yeah, me too. this is a good way for to be less stressed," i tell me.
"good."
we walk around for a bit. despite all the craziness around me, i am calm. i am totally content. just being here has the desired effect on me. i smile.
"have you gone on any rides yet?" he asks.
"no," i answer. "i don't really need to. just being here makes me happy."
"ah."
it's silent again. i don't mind. i still enjoy myself, the carnie's company, just the carnival scene in general. a young kid screams and laughs as he runs in front of us, his mother not too far behind. i smile and keep walking slowly.
"i say you should go on the Ferris wheel," the carnie says.
"i don't think so," i laugh.
"why?"
i am not very fond of heights, if you remember."
"that's right," he says.
i still buy ride tickest anyways and, as the carnie goes back to work, i stand in line for the ferris wheel. the line is surprisingly short. just a few couples and me.
when my turn comes, i hand some tickets to the carnie, who smiles as he takes my tickets. i sit down in a carriage and settle in for the painfully slow circle of the ride.
i relax and take it in. from the top of the wheel, it feels like i am on top of the world. i cn see a ways away, and rochester now looks like a forest rather than a city.
i come back down from the top and the carnie smiles at me again as i step out of the carriage.
"was that so bad?" he asks.
"yes. i almost fell out," i say.
he laughs at me.
"what?" i ask. "if you were afraid of heights, you'd be in the same boat."
"sure, sure."
i laugh as i walk away. the may air is cool and light as i walk. i am still calm and happy as i make another slow circuit, still with a pair of tickets. it doesn't matter that i spent money when i did not have to. oh, well. it was worth it. i do not mind. it's a wonderful night, and, in this moment, i have not a care in the world, and a big smile on my face.

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